How to live your values

You can't decide how other people live, but you can be true to yourself.

Aug 01, 2023

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25 year old me, in my law firm headshot. Check those politician arms!

When I was 25, I left my job, with two kids, a mortgage to pay, and a husband on apprentice wages.

I'd left my policy job in frustration, looking for a faster pace, more meaningful change and a closer connection to tangible results. The problem was: I tried to find that in a law firm.

After just 8 weeks, it was clear to me that I wasn't happy. I was commuting 2 hours a day, travelling 3 days a week, working all hours, and schmoozing clients at fancy restaurants. I had the Koru club, the credit card and the status - but I felt hollow. And the future didn't look any rosier.

If I did well at my job, I'd have even more work to do (as evidenced by the hours my boss was putting in), I'd make rich partners even richer, and I'd be lucky to ever see my kids.

This was one of those crossroads, where I was being called to live my values. Trembling, I did the maths. If my husband could get a payrise to $21 an hour, we could cover our mortgage while I figured out what I was doing next.

Lucky for us, he got the payrise. With just $2000 in the bank, we made the leap and I resigned with the vague idea of going freelancing.

I was terrified - I'd never seen anyone start a consulting or freelance business, and I was so young, who would hire me? What did I know that was worth doing? Would I have to go crawling back to my old employer with my tail between my legs, begging for another shot?

Living your values is the hardest and easiest path

Looking back, I can see that my core values were being compromised - though I'm not sure 25 year old me could have explained it quite so neatly. I value contribution, responsibility, family and autonomy above all else, and I wasn't working in a way that aligned to those.

Does that mean the people in my law firm were unethical, or the job shouldn't exist? Absolutely not. Core values are an expression of who you are, not necessarily how the world should be. But in that situation, the misalignment between what I held closest to my heart, and the way I was living every day, were untenable.

So, I changed it. I decided that I will not hold a job that compromises the wellbeing of my family, and I will choose work that contributes to people’s lives in a way I feel good about. I turned my values into boundaries.

The path wasn’t easy - it was filled with uncertainty, financial strain and anxiety. It’s not a one-and-done, either. I've been called to live these values many times since - sometimes I've made decisions I'm proud of, sometimes I've made compromises I regret. Living an aligned life is messy and hard, and I've hurt people along the way.

But when people tell me they're unhappy - in their work, or in their relationships, and they can't explain why, I always ask them about their values. Once we know what drives us, the gaps and gnawing feelings become easier to understand, and we can take action to change it.

Sometimes that action is really scary, and we don't know what the future will hold. But here's the thing that not everyone knows: it's easier to take the scary action, than live in misalignment.

You might be stressed about money, lonely, or scared you'll fail, but you'll sleep better at night. You'll trust yourself differently. Your health will improve. Your body will thank you.

The price of living out of alignment is rarely worth it.

Check yourself before you wreck yourself

If you're battling a constant feeling of unease, using unhealthy coping mechanisms, or snapping at the people you love the most, it might be time to look at your values.

Even better - it might be time to set some new boundaries. Boundaries are values on legs, after all. Here’s a long post on what boundaries are and how to set them, but I’ll sum it up here:

1. Know your values

Write a list of the things that are most important to you, and the things that most upset you. In the middle live your core values. Or, take a test like this one.

2. Take inventory

List all the things that are generating resentment, anxiety or unease in your life.

3. Find the gaps

For each item, identify which of your core values they’re butting up against . Health? Fairness? Honesty? Integrity? Odds are, there will be a theme coming through. The most common value violations are the things you most need to solve.

4. Release guilt and blame

Release whatever guilt or blame you’re carrying about the things on your list - (I should do this, they should do that). Guilt and blame are unhelpful. Action is helpful.

Turn all of your ‘I should’ into ‘I will’ or ‘I will not’ and identify ways to make it happen.

‘I should have a better job’ might become ‘I will get a better job’ which creates actions for you to take. Or you might realise that isn’t in alignment with your values at all. You’re just feeling comparison pressure against your friends, and you love your job. In which case, convert it to: ‘I will not get a different job.” Phew, obligation released.

5. Create personal policies

You can’t make your kids more responsible, your partner more faithful, or your boss less of a dick. Stop focusing on things outside of your control, and hand back the responsibility for other people’s thoughts and behaviour by releasing the negativity you harbour on their behalf.

Boundaries are your personal policies about about who you will do, accept and take responsibility for. They might be things like…

“I will only do my fair share of the housework. I will ask my family to take on some of those tasks, and let them know which tasks would be most helpful. I will release guilt and responsibility for the rest.”

“I will be clear and respectful in my project plans and recommendations about timeframes, and I will not take on projects with unreasonable deadlines. I will release fear of damaging the relationship with my manager - either my opinion is respected, or it isn’t.”

“I will not cover up for my best friend. I will release responsibility for her decisions - the consequences are for her to accept.”

6. Communicate without judgement

Boundaries are uniquely you. They’re a reflection of your personal values and policies, which doesn’t make them objectively right - just right for you. That means you need to state your values and boundaries in ways that don’t ask for understanding or respect.

It means saying things like:

“I have a personal policy against underquoting for work” or
“I don’t use my phone on Sundays”

rather than judging or blaming statements like:

“You’re a devious prick and I won’t tolerate it”
“Using phones on the weekend is creating a tech-addicted society and sets a bad example for children.”

You can argue about value judgements, but you can’t argue with someone’s personal policy.

What to do next

Your story will be different. Your values will be different. The action you need to take will be different. The answer to your misalignment might, in fact, be to GET A JOB AT A LAW FIRM!

I can't tell you what you should do - but you can. Take a moment, consider what really matters to you, and listen to what that quiet voice inside is telling you. You have all the answers you need.

Nothing is worth compromising your values for.

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