Make guilty choices this week
Guilt fades. Resentment festers.
I’m a lifelong martyr.
I’ve been a mother since I was 16 years old, and in my working-class world, martyrdom and motherhood are nearly synonymous. Good mums eschew their pleasure and preferences to serve their children and families. Mothers who put themselves first are selfish… right?
But what if martyrdom is the truly selfish act? What if our surface-level selflessness is just a smokescreen for control and insecurity?
When we do everything ourselves, we get to control how it’s done. We quietly accumulate internal leverage over the people we love. We tally up points in our heads, hoping it’ll all pay off one day. We throw ourselves into unappreciated service - not out of love, but to validate ourselves. And in doing so, we leave no space for the people around us to step up, fail, grow, or face the consequences of their choices.
It’s hard to see how robbing others of their agency will lead to a warm sense of appreciation. And yet, that’s how many of us move through our personal and professional lives.
Gabor Maté is an incredible thinker. His views - especially around addiction and childhood trauma - aren’t without controversy. But his masterpiece on embodied stress, When the Body Says No, changed how I saw guilt. And it might change things for you too.
There’s a line in that book that I haven’t stopped thinking about since I read it. I paused. Re-read it. Took a photo. Sent it to a dozen friends with a flurry of “!!!!!!”.
“If you face the choice between feeling guilt and resentment, choose the guilt every time… Resentment is soul suicide.”
Soul. Suicide.
If you’re choosing between doing something you don’t want to do and resenting people for it or putting your needs first and feeling briefly guilty, take the hit. Guilt fades. Resentment festers.
Guilt feels selfish. If you’re not used to prioritising yourself, it feels unfamiliar. Awful, even. But what if you’re not the saint you think you are? What if, by avoiding guilt, you’re not protecting anyone - not even yourself? What if you’re trying to preserve your self-image, to feel needed, powerful, or in control?
Resentment is a different beast. It triggers the same neurological and physiological responses as chronic stress. It follows you around like a bad smell - heavy, dark, impossible to ignore. Resentment twists altruism into bitterness. And over time, it twists us - into versions of ourselves we no longer recognise.
I’ve been there. Clients I should have walked away from. Responsibilities I should have handed over to my kids. Opportunities I should have declined. Sacrifices I should never have made.
One honest conversation would have been far easier in the long run.
If you’ve fallen into this trap, too, it’s not too late.
Choose guilt.
You’re worth it.
Til next week,
AM