The joy of instability

There’s no answer. No done. No end of the road where everything falls into place. Why would you want that? To sit still, and change nothing until you die?

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I’ve spent my life searching for stability. In 34 years, I’ve moved over 30 times. I went to four primary schools and five high schools (one of them twice). I went into foster care at 14, and I watched in envy as my peers retreated to safe, secure childhood homes. The gold standard for a good life, I thought, was sitting still. Living in the same place, with the same people, going to the same school, and having the same job.

Despite this outlook - or because of it - I’ve struggled to create that stability for myself. Every time I think I’ve found the ‘answer’ something new catches my eye. I build things, then tear them down again. I’m always renovating, plotting, launching. And I’ve felt huge guilt about letting myself and my children down.

I wrote about this journey in last week’s Friday Flurry, with an unvarnished history of my career for curious subscribers. I ticked the boxes early - mortgage, career, marriage, kids - only to feel immediately stifled and disappointed.

Imagine my delight this week at listening to this episode of Pulling the Thread with Elise Loehnen, where Bruce Feiler talked about the myth of the ‘non-linear life’. Bruce and Elise talked about how unhelpful - and largely inaccurate - a linear, step-by-step progression through work, life and self is. A few lines stuck, but when Bruce said “We need to stop fetishizing stability and demonising instability,” I hit pause and sat for a minute.

Many people I talk to are apologetic or mildly embarrassed about their career history, telling me their CV isn’t “normal”. Making a career choice at 20 and sticking with it for the rest of your life is a very specific and largely unattainable idea, that’s only been possible to a narrow kind of person (white, middle-class men with free domestic labour) throughout history.

Feiler’s research reveals that people experience ‘workquakes’ every 2.5 years on average—that’s 20 times in their working lives. While some of those shifts are driven by workplaces, 55% of them are born of changes in your life. Care responsibilities, life stages, family dynamics and personal growth have always catalysed change - that’s the real normal.

I love this way of thinking. Periods of instability, whether internally or externally driven, are not the enemy. They’re not tough spots to hustle and grind through, to make it to the other, more stable, side. They’re where we learn new things, form new relationships and make new decisions. There’s no checklist of success we’re being assessed against, no requirement for constant ascension. Just a rich tapestry of experiences and choices that weave together the story of a meaningful life.

Doing something new doesn’t have to mean you do it forever. It also doesn’t mean the thing you were doing before was wrong. Every step you take builds on itself, and brings you closer to who you could be - but none of them are invalidated by change.

There is no failure. No failure in trying, then doing something else. No failure in changing tack, starting again, experimenting with new versions of who you could or might be. There’s no answer. No done. No end of the road where everything falls into place. Why would you want that? To sit still, and change nothing until you die?

If what we want from life is meaning - and surely that’s a more worthy goal than normality - then we sign up for risk, experimentation, change and uncertainty. The skills you’ve gained in your life - work, family, friends, hobbies, education, personal development, et al - stay with you, building on each other as you move through new phases. Enjoy the bit you’re in, and shift into a new one when it’s time.

Not doing work stuff right now, because you’re all about your kids? Love that! Lean all the way in, and then lean out when you’re ready. Not chasing romance, because you’re pursuing creative outlets? Great! Make amazing things, and seek companionship if or when it becomes a priority.

Life is short, but it’s also long - too long to be stuck where you aren’t meant to be. Too long not to try, and start again if you need to. Too long not to relish in your festering, while knowing it will be temporary, there’s no timeline on grief or depression, and you will re-emerge sometime, different, and ready for something else.

Wherever you are, wherever you've been, and wherever you're headed, remember this: You're doing great. You have the freedom to choose something else whenever you please.

Til next week,

A

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