You aren't uniquely shameful, problematic... or lazy.

If you're guilty about how you're spending your time, or worried you might be a terrible person deep down... don't panic. 1. You're actually not. 2. Join the rest of us, we feel like that too.

I’ve been in the US for the last couple of weeks, for an intensive writing workshop just outside of Portland. The workshop concluded yesterday and before I fly back to New Zealand, I caught the train to Seattle to explore for a few days. Exciting, right? …You’d think so. Instead, freed of the constraints of my work and workshop, I immediately became unsettled and anxious.

Since I’ve been travelling, I’ve struggled to spend my time well. My sleeping is out of whack, I’m not keeping up my usual exercise and eating habits, I’m working in sporadic bursts and at erratic times, and I’ve often felt untethered.

All this has led me to quietly wonder something quite scary: If I’m only able to be the kind of good, productive person I pride myself as when I’m constrained by the routines of home, kids and work… am I really that person at all? If I strip that away, and find myself to be lazy, unmotivated and undisciplined… is this my true self? It’s been a pretty destabilising thought.

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Travel guilt

I’m exhausted. I’ve had a really big few weeks, with work and training, and today, I slept until almost noon. I woke, surprised, with a pang of guilt, and mobilised out the door to see some of the local attractions. Pike Place Market (meh), Seattle Art Museum (closed) and then a long meandering until I found a safe place.

(The safe place was a bookstore, no surprises there.)

This a familiar guilt, one I’ve experienced many times before, especially when travelling. It’s the guilt of not ‘making the most’ of rare unscheduled time. The guilt of ‘doing it wrong’ combined, paradoxically, with the guilt of not working… in time that I’ve specifically ear-marked for not working.

What’s wrong with me? I lament. Other people would be appreciating this holiday, this break, this location, far more. I wanted this, I yearned for this… why am I not better at it?

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Why we feel guilty when we ‘waste’ unstructured time

Today, while browsing the Elliot Bay Bookstore (👍🏼) the universe presented me with two books to help make sense of my unease.

The first: Make Your Art No Matter What, by creative counselor Beth Pickens. While written specifically for creative types, she provides advice useful to all humans (given all humans, arguably, are creative types, I suppose this makes sense.) She says this:

“Expanses of unstructured time are the enemy of artists… Unstructured time creates the conditions to feel anxiety, fear and grief that remains contained, managed or stuffed down while a person lives their busy life, in a familiar routine. Having eliminated that routine, they now feel a pressure to be productive, or otherwise “make the most of” the opportunity.”

Yikes, way to speak to me directly.

Feeling seen, a short time later, I picked up the book Laziness Does Not Exist by Devon Price, PhD. I proceeded to have my mind blown, while Price picked apart what they call “the Laziness Lie.” Price links the guilt high-achievers feel for not using their free time productively to a cultural phenomenon: a Puritanical work ethic that equates effort and productivity with morality. In short: we link our self-worth, and goodness, to work.

Here’s a pull-quote that hit me in the guts:

“I’ve talked to dozens of really accomplished, driven people who remain absolutely convinced that they’re uniquely, shamefully lazy.”

Well, hello ME. When I reflect on it, this is a guilt I’ve observed and processed with many others over time. Successful, driven, professional people who still, somehow, believe they’re not doing enough, being enough, or achieving enough.

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Why travel makes the guilt worse

In The Art of Travel, Alain de Botton describes the frustrating disappointment of a tropical holiday to Barbados, intended to provide calm, relaxation and a respite from a London winter. Once there, he struggles to relax. Problematically, he discovers, he’s brought himself on holiday with him.

“My body and mind were to prove temperamental accomplices in the mission of appreciating my destination. The body found it hard to sleep and complained of heat, flies and difficulties digesting hotel meals. The mind meanwhile revealed a commitment to anxiety, boredom, free-floating sadness and financial alarm.”

My guilt at not using my time well, my equation of work with worth, and my worry at exposing the ‘person underneath’ are laid bare on the road. Travel heightens these fears, placing additional pressure on maximising an experience that I’m too tired to enjoy. You may have experienced this too - over a summer break, on annual leave, or on holiday.

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Why we need to share our inner world with others

These books, and their authors, have calmed my guilt, quieted my punitive inner voice, and laid the foundation for me to enjoy the rest of my week, without beating myself up for doing it wrong.

They’ve also led me to contemplate the value and power of sharing human experiences.

Reading something in a book, an article, (or perhaps a Wednesday Wisdom!) that resonates with your inner world is a powerful thing. It validates your experience, alleviates your loneliness, and quiets the panic that there must be something uniquely, shamefully wrong with you.

You might feel the same response in conversation with others, or to a well-crafted social media post. When someone describes your experience in a way that makes deep, heart-felt sense, you’re relieved, sometimes even uplifted. You breathe easier. You reconnect to yourself, under the layers of shame, guilt and anxiety.

Which is why it’s so important we do that, however we can.

Share with others. Tell them what you’re struggling with. Confess the oddities of your inner background track. Write that post. Have that conversation.

Every time you do, you unlock a critical truth for yourself, and others: you are not uniquely, shamefully anything. You’re collectively, understandably, beautifully, normal. Flawed, conflicted, and totally, utterly, normal.

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