What to do with criticism: who to listen to, and who to ignore

If you don't want their outcome, don't accept their input.

When you have a baby, suddenly everyone’s an expert. Your mother in law tells you when to start solids. An old lady at the supermarket is concerned that your baby isn’t wearing a hat - she looks cold, dear!. Your colleague cheerfully explains, in detail, his wife’s experience with breastfeeding.

Few things turn on the give-unsolicited-advice button quite like parenting. Which is why one of the little-known core skills of any new parent (oh look, here I am, offering parenting advice, how meta) is a finely honed ability to filter feedback.

Baby or no, chances are you’ve been on the receiving end of unsolicited criticism or feedback. Whether it’s from friends, family, or colleagues, some people take it upon themselves to form an opinion on how you should be doing things - it’s easier than taking a closer look at their own shit, after all.

Should you listen?

Maybe. But not all feedback is created equally. Here’s why you need to choose your critics wisely, how to cultivate useful feedback in your life, and the golden rule for handling unsolicited criticism - plus a handy checklist to help you sort the wheat from the chaff.

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1. Why you need to choose your critics wisely

Here’s why you need to be very selective about the feedback you listen to:

You are what you eat

If you’re spending your time on YouTube conspiracy channels, you’ll see scams everywhere you look. If you’re reading personal development books, you’ll find learning opportunities around every corner.

The same is true for your circle. If your best friend is an inspiration, you’ll set a new bar for your own potential. But if your mates are all whinging bludgers, you risk being infected with a case of Why-Me.

What you read, watch, and listen to, and who you associate with, shapes your lens for viewing the world. If you’re on a steady diet of information junk food, you might wind up with a life you don’t want.

Not everyone’s motives are pure

I genuinely believe that most people are good people, doing their best. But that doesn’t mean they want the best for you.

We’re complex creatures, riddled with envy, fear, and angst. Your formerly supportive best friend might morph into a Negative Nigel when you get a flash new job - not because they don’t love you, but because they’re worried about how it reflects on their progress.

If you take feedback from people who aren’t motivated by helping you grow, you risk your own growth.

Negative feedback endures

When I was 8 years old, an impromptu game emerged one family Christmas. A silver ring was tied to a piece of string, then looped at the end. The goal of the game was to hook the loop of string onto your ear, then manoeuvre yourself into a position to drop the ring onto a bottle-top. The fastest ring-drop won.

When it was my turn, a distant uncle made an off-hand, jovial comment: ‘You’ve got the right ears for it, Alicia!’.

After that comment, I avoided wearing my hair up for TWENTY YEARS.

Criticism is a powerful force. When it comes to feedback, we have an astonishing negativity bias. 50 pieces of praise can be forgotten in an instant, but that one line from a teacher or an ex can stay with you for decades - so be careful what you’re asking for, and where you get it from. This could shape your story for a long time.

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2. How to cultivate useful feedback in your life

The best way to fortify yourself against unexpected or unsolicited feedback is to actively and regularly seek input from people you trust and respect. When you have a reliable source of constructive, helpful criticism, you’ll be less affected when someone sticks their oar in unexpectedly.

Assemble your advisory board

Surround yourself with people who genuinely want to see you grow and succeed, and are committed to doing that for themselves - but don’t build your own echo chamber.

Take a look at your network, and see where your gaps might be. The goal is to have a spread of perspectives, from people who’ve proven their chops, for each of the things that matter most to you.

Do you have a switched on finance mate to talk to about money stuff? A friend or colleague with an amazing career to talk over your new job offer with? Who’s your sense-checker for when you’re being a privileged wanker? Do you have a happily married buddy to talk to about creating a long-lasting relationship?

Choose honesty over comfort

When you trust someone’s expertise, and you value their insight, ask them for the gift of their candour. When people care about you, they probably want to protect your feelings - but that sugarcoating will rob you of the growth that you want and need.

Choose advisors who are honest, even brutally so. They’ll tell you the truth, even if it’s not what you want to hear (and love you along the way.)

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3. The golden rule for feedback

You can determine the value of someone’s input by the quality of their outcomes.

The number one filtering mechanism for any feedback is this: Would you want to have their life?

• When people give you advice on parenting, look at their kids. Would you be proud to have those kids?

• When people give you career advice, look at their job. Would you be thrilled to have that job?

• When people give you money tips, look at their wealth. Would you be satisfied with their balance sheet?

• When people give you love advice, look at their relationship. Would you be happy with that marriage?

Sure, some people with shit outcomes might have good battle stories. They might even help you see what to avoid. But remember: you are what you eat. Consuming their advice or feedback might not be worth the risk.

Listen to people who have achieved something you want to achieve. Ignore everyone else. If their advice was so valuable, they would have made it happen for themselves.

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Your Feedback Filtering Checklist

Here's a handy checklist to help you decide whether to listen to feedback, or let it drift into the wind:

1. What do they know?

Take a quick look at the life credentials of the person who’s offering up advice. Do they know what they’re talking about? Have they got experience you value? Have they achieved outcomes you would like for yourself? If not, don’t listen.

2. What are they trying to do?

What is the motive behind this person offering feedback or criticism? Are you confident they want the best for you? Have they shown that in the past? Or are they projecting some of their own fears or anxiety? If you’ve got doubts, back away.

3. Do they have a point?

Zoom out and pretend it’s not you in the hot seat. Are they making a valid point that you agree with, in principle? Does their logic stack up? If you weren’t so close to the situation, or you were talking about someone else, would you agree with their argument? If so… listen up.

4. Is this an opportunity to get better?

Is this feedback related to something you value and care about? Would taking advice help you learn, grow and be better at something that matters? If so, listen. If not, move on.

5. Is this a blind spot for you?

This is the chance to reflect on your own biases. Are you stubborn or locked into an opinion that’s starting to feel a bit shaky? Are you open-minded, or feeling like your ego’s been challenged?

6. What happens if you ignore this?

Not all feedback, however valid, needs listening to or acting on right now. Will ignoring this advice threaten your most important goals, priorities or values? Do you have the emotional and mental bandwidth for growth? If you’re already strung out, only take feedback on mission-critical items.

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